


Sweet lemons

by Donya



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Bullying, FrostIron - Freeform, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Recovery, Self Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-01
Updated: 2014-03-01
Packaged: 2018-01-14 00:44:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1246360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Donya/pseuds/Donya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki is a troubled young man that struggles with bullying and mourns losing his mother. Thor struggles to help his brother. Loki's recovery takes time and everything becomes more complicated when he starts dating his bully, Tony.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sweet lemons

**Author's Note:**

> "Witam cię w Sali Samobójców, Dominik."

The day started like any other. Thor got up and the first thing he did was checking up on Loki. Before coffee, before bathroom. Thor always had that awful feeling that something might have happened when he wasn't looking. So he went to Loki's room, turned on the lights. Loki was still asleep, mouth half opened, a trace of drool on his chin. He looked so innocent and at peace. Every time Thor had to touch him to make sure his brother was breathing. That morning was good, Loki was breathing.

'Hey, wake up!'

Loki groaned and tried to cover his head with the blanket but Thor had none of that shit. He could not care less that Loki could sleep for an hour more. They had a morning routine, things Thor had to do before going to work and Loki just had to get up as early as Thor.

'Loki!'

'Oh fuck off, I'm tired,' Loki muttered sleepily, eyes still closed. Thor didn't feel sorry for taking away the blanket and pushing Loki off the bed.

'I said get up. I don't have time for this.'

Loki was only half-conscious and therefore instead of being openly mean, opted for being passive aggressive. He glared at Thor, his half-lidded eyes accusing, poor little baby, mistreated in such a horrible way. Thor learnt to ignore such behaviour, he knew he wasn't hurting Loki. Sometimes he was called 'dear brother', sometimes 'a fucking worthless piece of crap' and advised to go fuck himself.

'Come on.'

Very reluctantly, Loki took off his pajamas, both top and bottom. Thor never would have guessed the bottom was also necessary, he had no idea that people can cut their legs or feet, it seemed so unbelievable. When he would check Loki's upper body, that little shit cut his thighs.

Thor watched carefully as Loki showed him his wrists. He only noticed old scars, some pale, others slightly brownish red. The pain he felt seeing those scars was always hard to bear, he imagined Loki cutting his own skin. It was so unthinkable, Loki wasn't a lovesick teenage girl, Thor didn't know boys do that too. He paid a high price for his ignorance.

Embarrassing as it was for both of them, the morning check-up was a must. They would repeat that in the evening. Loki had to explain every single tiny scratch or a bruise. Recently, Thor had started checking up his scalp as well. One can never be sure. He was right- he saw five-six little wounds on Loki's head, hidden under hair. Self-harm, despite being so devastating, shows how creative people can be. Who would have thought that they can cut their scalps? Thor realised he always had to assume the worst and not trust any single word that came from Loki's lying mouth.

Loki was allowed to take a shower without supervision. That privilege was restored three months after Loki's suicide attempt. For long, long weeks Thor feared leaving him alone for a second and regardless of Loki's protests, he stayed in the bathroom the whole time his brother showered. Someone as private and withdrawn as Loki hated that but he lost his right to decide about his life. Hopefully, only temporarily.

They had the breakfast together. Loki had to eat something before taking his meds. That requirement pleased Thor, he knew Loki wasn't starving. The last thing he wanted was an eating disorder and someone as unstable as Loki might develop it.

'I don't like this, eew, Thor, too much butter, it's sickening,' Loki complained, wincing. He pushed away his plate, pouting like a child. Thor kept his face straight, that was the point, no yelling, no explaining, eating breakfast was non-negotiable. Loki knew that as well and after a moment, he gave up and started chewing on his sandwich.

When he was done, Thor gave him two pills and a glass of water. Loki swallowed the pills, washed them down with the water and without being asked, opened his mouth. The amount of distrust between them was almost amusing.

'Ok, you can close it.'

It was one of the things Thor learnt while visiting Loki in a mental hospital. No one trusts patients there. Even when they are given only vitamins, they have to open their mouths and let the nurse check if they swallowed. No one cares it's demeaning.

'What are doing after school?'

'Revising for that stupid Spanish test. I'll be in the library. You can come, if you want,' Loki replied sarcastically. Thor used to do that, during his lunch break, he would come to Loki's school to see if his brother was already in trouble or just planning to do so.

Thor again stopped himself from reacting. Arguing with Loki was pointless. He had to be wiser and not let Loki provoke him.

'I'll be home at 5 and so will you.'

 

The trouble started when their mother passed away. It was sudden, neither of them was prepared for losing her. Thor was so absorbed in his grief that he didn't notice how it affected Loki. The younger was always Mumma's boy, even when it was a bit embarrassing. He couldn't cope with the loss, too afraid of living his life without their mother's support.

It amazed Thor. It turned out that most mental illnesses are caused by something as trivial as over thinking. Worrying too much. Not something shameful or pathological.

He missed all the warning signs. At first he tried to lie to himself that there were none but every suicidal person does inform others about their plans, even if only unintentionally. It's just no one sees those signs. Loki cleaned his room, threw away old toys, returned the books to the library. He seemed calm, as if he found a way of dealing with losing their mother.

 

One Sunday night Loki started vomiting violently. He curled up on the floor in his bedroom, retching into a bowl. He always hated when someone saw him like this, so Thor only brought him water. Loki threw up three-four times and went to bed. He was shivering, his skin was cold and sweaty but he was sleeping and the following morning everything was going to be ok.

On that Monday morning, Thor went to Loki's room, only to find his brother still sleeping. Quietly, without disturbing him, Thor left. From work, around noon, he texted Loki, telling him to see a doctor if he was still sick. Loki agreed and that was it. No more messages. He wasn't home when Thor returned, he didn't show up at school, nobody knew where he was. Thor checked the hospital and yes, Loki was hospitalised but only for an hour or so.

'Where is he?'

'The mental hospital.'

He was informed that Loki attempted suicide. Pills. All sorts of pills they had at home. Loki told the nurse that he swallowed one handful after another, crying the whole time. He didn't even need tests or gastric lavage, his liver was fine. He only got an IV. He was calm when they informed him that he had to be admitted to the psychic ward. As if he expected that.

Thor needed a moment to understand that. Calm down before seeing Loki.

Loki was standing in the hallway, looking lost and when he saw Thor, he didn't smile, just seemed even more anxious.

'Why didn't you call me?' Thor tried to keep his voice down. He was told that before giving away his phone, Loki could have made a call, the nurse asked him if he wanted to inform his family. Loki refused.

'I was afraid you would yell.'

Thor swore not to yell. In exchange, Loki told him everything. How he gathered all sorts of pills they had at home, how he had trouble with swallowing that much. He didn't wash it down with alcohol, as 'advised' just because there was none at home and then went to bed, hoping he would never wake up. After a few hours of feverish sleep, Loki woke up and felt so very sick. The pain didn't lessen even when he threw up, he had to absorb some of the meds. Hours of agony and he somehow fell asleep again. In the morning, he still felt very bad.

'The funniest thing about this is that I kept vomiting when talking to a psychiatrist. Ha ha! I hope he enjoyed our conversation. Imagine, Thor,' Loki laughed and it was so awkward that Thor had no idea what to say.

'How are you feeling now?' He asked at last. A fairly safe question. Loki shrugged.

'Fine, I guess. They gave me another IV here. You know it's actually a very pleasant feeling? A cold liquid slowly entering your body. I liked that. But- ugh- I'm so hungry. I want a soda.'

It was the strangest talk he had ever have with Loki, Thor decided. Loki seemed ok, as if the previous night wasn't the sheer nightmare. Thor tried not to think of Loki dying in his room, a few feet from him. He could have got up in the morning only to discover a cold body. Loki chose not to call him, he didn't ask for help, although he had to be scared. Didn't he trust Thor?

'So you're staying here for a while.'

'Yeah,' Loki snorted. 'At first I was like, oh fuck, this is the end, what the hell am I doing here, I'm not crazy. But then I realised it's a rare opportunity to see how such places look like, you know, it's a different world and we, the normal, are curious of it. You don't meet crazy people every day, I mean, those really crazy. Think of all the poems I can write. So much inspiration.'

That was probably good that Loki noticed a positive side of his situation. Thor visited him every day and Loki told him about a man that wore make up and too small, girly clothes, a drug addict that advised him to eat as much as he could to minimise the effect of the medication. A boy who saw his aunt's ghost and insisted it was real. An old man brought by his wife and son because he was suicidal.

'All sorts of crazy!' Loki exclaimed in excitement. 'One guy is shaking all the time. I asked him what is wrong with him, why he's here and he said, _I've got anemia_. Ha! They don't lock here people with anemia! He is schizophrenic, affective schizophrenia or something like that.'

'How are you?'

'Fine. Oh! Yesterday I cried and my eyes turned red. My psychiatrist came by and he says, _you've been crying_. No, I replied completely serious. He knew I was lying, I knew he knew but it was so much fun. _Does your family visit you?_ Idiot, he asked me dozens of questions, thinking that I would just give up and admit that omg, yes, I was crying. I lied that I've got a cold and he prescribed me calcium. Ha ha! They don't let people cry here, fucking fascists.'

'You cannot call them fascists. They are trying to help you.'

'Fascists. The psychiatrist was like, _the room without cameras is a privilege, so don't lie to me!_ Fucking bitch. In that monitored cell they keep the crazy Christian guy that rants about his DNA code and stands the whole day, praying. He tried to start a fight with me the first day. He's insane. Though less than that grandpa that sits on the toilet for hours. Oh yes, going to the toilet here is always an adventure, Thor, the things I saw, ugh. And everyone thinks I'm here because of a broken heart. Like I'm too young to be that messed up without a tragic love story.'

 

Loki turned out to be an enthusiast of self-harm. He cut himself with a razor blade or even a kitchen knife. Thor heard somewhere that girls do that to 'feel something, anything' and asked Loki if that was what he wanted.

'No,' Loki rolled his eyes. 'I like my blood. It's a nice feeling when it trails down your arm and either drips on the floor or dries on your skin.'

Well. Thor shut his mouth before he could yell at Loki. He liked his blood! What does one say to something like that? _You're crazy, go see a psychiatrist, you weirdo!_

 

Loki's roommate was a parent of an autistic boy. Diagnosed with depression, the man considered crashing his car into a tree on his way home from work. Loki liked him because, as he said, they were one of the rare 'normal' people there, together making fun of the male nurse who, after dinner, would yell, 'Me-e-eds!' so every patient would hear him and knew it's the time to grab a plastic cup and stand in line. Loki and his friend would mockingly shout out 'me-e-eds'. The point was that the nurses were completely immune to such behaviour, more or less passive aggression didn't faze them. 

Loki's friend didn't let his wife bring the autistic boy. Seeing all those weirdos would only scare him. Loki felt genuinely sorry for his roommate, especially that they really got along.

'Thor, yesterday he said, _hey, they admitted a new patient, he's nuts!_ Wow, I groaned, what a fucking surprise and we laughed like crazy.'

 

Loki was reluctant to discuss the cause of his illness or explain why he wanted to commit suicide. Most likely because it was actually his third attempt. He tried pills twice before, on one day, only to discover that it is very hard to overdose painkillers. His nonchalant tone infuriated Thor but it was probably better than seeing Loki weeping. Loki never cried in his presence.

 

Psychotherapy, antidepressants and sedatives, and yet Loki still claimed that he was not crazy. He was signed out and it amazed him that autumn came without him knowing. It was still summer when he tried to die and when he was allowed to come home, the trees were yellow and red. Life goes on, the seasons changed and they had to move on, too.

Loki's secret exposed, he had to throw away razor blades and Thor got rid of sharp knives and scissors. Loki lost all his privileges, all. No privacy, no money, no Internet. He ate what Thor chose, the end of junk food. Thor realised he had to be as tough as possible and not let Loki manipulate him. Tears or insincere promises meant nothing. Thor was advised not to argue with Loki. It did not matter that Loki felt maltreated or offended by Thor's new attitude.

So it began, daily checking if Loki didn't resume his adventure with cutting. Asking how the therapy session went. Absolute distrust. Thor wanted to believe that Loki was doing better but that clever little shit just wanted more freedom to come back to his old habits and that was just not going to happen.

 

Thor promised not to yell and he kept his word. He stayed calm even when Loki threw endless tantrums, when he screamed at the top of his voice, blaming Thor for everything, wishing he was dead, threatening Thor. It wasn't Loki, Thor told himself, that was only his illness. He had ignore those attacks and not let Loki push him away.

The only person that supported Thor was his girlfriend, Jane. She let him vent his anger. He was so pissed off at Loki, it's true that suicidal people are the most selfish and self-obsessed creatures that care about no one but themselves. They don't think how their death would affect their loved ones. Jane understood Thor's complicated feelings and convinced him that it wasn't his fault, not noticing what Loki was up to. The point was that Loki was always so very secretive, he got mad when the door to his room was only slightly opened, no, it had to be closed. He hated anyone seeing his underwear, or touching it, he washed his clothes separately. So the new rules, Thor seeing him undressed, that had to be painful.

 

Loki returned to school and after a few days he finally admitted that he was bullied by a guy named Tony Stark. Not because of the whole suicide thing. It's just that shy, mentally unstable young people are the perfect prey for bullies. Someone noticed cuts on Loki's arm and it started, name-calling, threatening, laughing, the usual stuff. Thor's intervention changed nothing, no witnesses, no one saw anything , no one heard anything, maybe Loki made that up? He was not very trustworthy now, was he?

 

Nothing could prepare Thor for seeing Tony Stark sneaking out of Loki's room when once he came home earlier. Loki covered his nakedness with a sheet and blushed dark red. The room smelled like sex, the bed was messy, no point in lying. It was obvious what they did.

'What the hell happened?' Thor asked nonetheless. Stark took advantage of his shock and left quietly. 'Did he- was that- did he force you-?'

'No!' Loki exclaimed, ashamed by such assumption. 'We're together,' he mumbled, at least he knew how unnatural it was to be attracted to his bully. Thor stared at his brother, trying to understand what he just heard and failing. _Together!_ Of all the disasterous decisions Loki made that year, that was the stupidest.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Weird, I know. Someone on tumblr complained that in fanfics Loki is depicted as an emo teen. Thank for the prompt, you whiny bitch. In the first movie, Loki is so mentally unstable, he cries all the time and has serious identity issues. He is very emotional, it's only natural that fans describe him this way. 
> 
> Have you seen 'Suicide Room'/ "Salę Samobójców"? It's a mind-blowing, very disturbing Polish film that leaves you breathless and in tears. The main character, Dominik, is an emo kid struggling with his sexuality and having been bullied by his crush, he locks himself in his room and finds online friends. Omg, this movie kills me. It's on Youtube with English subs. Ah, the ending is brilliant.


End file.
